I am Enough

July 12, 2014 § 1 Comment


Moments from the week: two children cuddling.

Moments from the week: two children cuddling.

Robin trying chopsticks at Yum Cha.

Robin trying chopsticks at Yum Cha.

A night time fire in the backyard.

A night time fire in the backyard.

Happy Birthday Samuel and William.

Happy Birthday Samuel and William.

As seasons slowly pass, I think I am slowly coming to a deeper acceptance of the eternal nature of life. It often seems that as soon as one issue feels resolved, a new problem or obstacle will surface, ready to be addressed.

I am ok with this, because it means that I am alive, I am conscious and awake and evolving. In fact, I don’t often think of these issues as ‘problems’, or as negative any more. They are just one more step in the journey of life, one more opportunity to let go and choose love in each moment…..well, that is the aim anyway.

Of course it is all too easy to sit and write these words when sitting in a space of joy. In the midst of tricky times, it can be really hard to remain in touch with that deep sense of acceptance. I think I have had one such moment this week.

How determined I have been to ride a wave of familial bliss throughout the school holidays. How determined…..to stay on top of the housework, cook great meals and take the children out for wonderful family bonding times. In my determination to avoid being the cliche of frazzled mother and fractious children, you can probably guess what has happened. I have become the cliche.

How I love them, and how I love having a large family. It has been coming on for a time now, this feeling of unease about the ages of my children (15, 11, 7, 4 and 2), and how best to engineer our days for greatest harmony and happiness.

The problem is that I cannot find a way. How can I resolve, dissolve, let go or transform this problem when my mind cannot find a way? With one boy in mid-adolescence and another on the way, it is like having three different sets of children, all with differing needs, desires and interests.

In summertime the beach or pool fits the bill, but those are not applicable in winter. The amount of inertia, and resistance involved in getting every child in the car for a day trip lately is prohibitive. And so, for the first few days of this week, we have done nothing much except a couple of trips to the park for kicks. And the inevitable ‘I’m bored’ comment has been heard more than once by the older ones. The young ones seem to entertain themselves most of the time. It is the older children who seem to be the stick-in-the-mud.

Or maybe I am the stick-in-the-mud. My ‘Aha moment’ has not yet arrived, my sudden insight that will open the doors and let me move on, somehow magically transforming the issue in the process.  So many children, so many differing ages, so many needs….too many for me to ever be enough.

And like a feather, floating gently down into my vision; there, right there, in the line above, is the key to all of this. I finally saw it as I was writing those words.

So, my new mantra: I am enough.


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