July 30, 2014 § Leave a comment
Years ago, when my eldest son had just begun to attend the local Steiner school, I took Samuel to a Steiner Playgroup run by a good friend of mine.
As part of her preparations for the endeavour, she made a special table and bench seats: large enough for a group of ten or twelve children (and their mothers) to sit around, sturdy, and beautiful. In those days I admired the role of a Steiner Playgroup Leader immensely – the special connection forged with each individual child, the creativity, the stories brought to life, and the role modelling provided to younger or less experienced mothers.
I used to dream of being all of that, and now, ten or so years later, I am (I hope) all of that, and even more. My friend kept this beautiful table of hers after she finished the Playgroup, using it at home. I knew, one day, that she would choose to sell it on, and was determined to be that person – mostly because I just loved the table. I had no ideas of starting my own Playgroup when she finally decided to let it go.
The table is bigger than any other I have owned. Perfect, as it turns out, for my large sized family. The first few nights of eating at this table felt amazing: a new sense of harmony was present in the room. All seven of us fit around the table with ease.
And when it inevitably became obvious that starting a Playgroup was a no-brainer for me, I already had the most important element: the table. The table is where we gather, we commune, and we communicate. A table of beauty gives something to the people sitting – a vibe, or creative inspiration, or simply a good feeling inside.
Every time I look at this table I think of my friend – my beautiful friend who continues to inspire me as she did way back when. I remember all the baking and eating I did at this table with other mothers and their children: the happiness that was present then. And I think of the new memories I am making with this table – with my own family, and now with a new group of Playgroup families who join me each week to bake, eat and connect.
Every time I look at this table my heart soars.
July 12, 2014 § 1 Comment
As seasons slowly pass, I think I am slowly coming to a deeper acceptance of the eternal nature of life. It often seems that as soon as one issue feels resolved, a new problem or obstacle will surface, ready to be addressed.
I am ok with this, because it means that I am alive, I am conscious and awake and evolving. In fact, I don’t often think of these issues as ‘problems’, or as negative any more. They are just one more step in the journey of life, one more opportunity to let go and choose love in each moment…..well, that is the aim anyway.
Of course it is all too easy to sit and write these words when sitting in a space of joy. In the midst of tricky times, it can be really hard to remain in touch with that deep sense of acceptance. I think I have had one such moment this week.
How determined I have been to ride a wave of familial bliss throughout the school holidays. How determined…..to stay on top of the housework, cook great meals and take the children out for wonderful family bonding times. In my determination to avoid being the cliche of frazzled mother and fractious children, you can probably guess what has happened. I have become the cliche.
How I love them, and how I love having a large family. It has been coming on for a time now, this feeling of unease about the ages of my children (15, 11, 7, 4 and 2), and how best to engineer our days for greatest harmony and happiness.
The problem is that I cannot find a way. How can I resolve, dissolve, let go or transform this problem when my mind cannot find a way? With one boy in mid-adolescence and another on the way, it is like having three different sets of children, all with differing needs, desires and interests.
In summertime the beach or pool fits the bill, but those are not applicable in winter. The amount of inertia, and resistance involved in getting every child in the car for a day trip lately is prohibitive. And so, for the first few days of this week, we have done nothing much except a couple of trips to the park for kicks. And the inevitable ‘I’m bored’ comment has been heard more than once by the older ones. The young ones seem to entertain themselves most of the time. It is the older children who seem to be the stick-in-the-mud.
Or maybe I am the stick-in-the-mud. My ‘Aha moment’ has not yet arrived, my sudden insight that will open the doors and let me move on, somehow magically transforming the issue in the process. So many children, so many differing ages, so many needs….too many for me to ever be enough.
And like a feather, floating gently down into my vision; there, right there, in the line above, is the key to all of this. I finally saw it as I was writing those words.
So, my new mantra: I am enough.
July 8, 2014 § 2 Comments
The Winter Solstice is over, and this post is embarassingly belated. But I couldn’t let this night pass without recording it in some way.
Lily was very excited to be joining me at her first women only event, the annual Spiral Walk held at Dural, and hosted by dear friend and Wise Woman Yia Alias.
After some chai and snacks, and a brief meditation, we made our way down to the field, where a spiral was laid out in flowers and greenery. Everyone took turns walking inward, lighting their candle, and walking outward again, accompanied by the gentle singing voices of the women witnessing. First Lily walked alone, then she came with me for my turn too.
I had time and hands free for her to sit in my lap as we watched everyone else walk the spiral. Then she ran off to spend the rest of the night with the other daughters attending, and I connected with other women.
It was a special night – because a mid-winter spiral walk always is – but made even more special for the fact that Lily and I went together. Amongst five children, it is tricky to get some one-on-one time with a parent. After two sons, I am a bit nervous as my daughter grows older. How I want her to see these soulful events as a ‘normal’ way of life, impressed into her very being through her exposure through me. How I want her to develop a recognition of her own connection to Mother Earth, and of the value of woman centered community.
Lately I have been lamenting how mainstream our life seems, here in the suburbs. As a younger woman with much younger (and less) children, my vision for this time was rather different to the reality I now live. As time goes by I hope I am making peace with that, and trying as much as I can to bring nature, connection, soulful living and spirituality into the lives of myself and my children.
I can think about what I do not have, or I can feel lucky for the people I know who invite us to camp on their land and into their lives. I can feel blessed for the wonderful women I know who embody the qualities I aspire to hold, and to pass on to my children: women who can be there as subtle role models for my daughters. I can feel gratitude for the acknowledgement, for the wholistic and earthed passage into adolescence my daughter will experience, thanks to these women.
I am not alone, and neither will my daughter be.
July 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
Back in 2009, when my boys were 10 and 6 years old, they became interested in Pokemon.
Pokemon, for the uninitiated, is a card game, electronic device game, TV series and book series. The cards are like old fashioned trading cards, and are collectible items. The game involves two players, battling it out with their ‘Pokemon’, to defeat their opponents through luck and strategy.
My boys, especially William, were heavily into Pokemon for a couple of years – collecting, going to public tournaments to play against other children, and of course I was roped into playing with them, for practice, at home.
In the last week, with the release of a new range of cards, the boys have a suddenly renewed fervor for Pokemon. They have acquired a new range of cards each, and so have I, so we can play together at home. I have always been a card game lover, so I have not needed much persuading to become involved again.
A wave of memories has been washing over me the last few days, as I remember our first forays into Pokemon five years ago. I have written before about my struggles in 2009 – the stress of that pregnancy and disconnect from life in general that extended into Zara’s first year of life. But what I remember about Pokemon is a bright light among a time of darkness – at the time we were living with my mother in a very small house, with not much outside space – and nearly every day after school the boys and I would play Pokemon. Lily would nap or play quietly, and we would listen to the Black Eyed Peas or Coldplay, and play Pokemon.
This rhythm began when I was pregnant, and continued with a sleeping babe in my arms. It was an escape for me from my thinking mind, and a way to connect with my boys. I think back to those afternoons now as magical hours – before Sol or my Mum arrived home from work – as something positive and productive I was able to achieve at a time when the basics felt almost too hard.
And of course I just enjoyed the game immensely. Samuel is five years older now and able to challenge me more as his understanding has matured. And it warms my heart to see William and Samuel sitting together playing….something more rare these days as William enters the middle adolescent years.
Sometimes it is the unexpected things that bring us together, and bring joy. Pokemon helped, back then.