New Beginnings: Take 2.
February 10, 2014 § Leave a comment
It makes me laugh the way that life can move so swiftly sometimes. The way things fall into place once we move out of the way.
Move out of the way. That was my wish upon leaving my boy, looking vulnerable and suddenly very young, at his new school for his first day. I barely made it around the corner before the tears began in earnest, knowing I had to step back and let him face this new experience alone.
After days of journalling and grieving for the difficulties I experienced as a teenager at high school, I was left with a deep feeling of compassion for William as he marched on alone into his future.
He lasted one day. He knew straight away the new school would not work for him. I understood completely that feeling, and yet wanted him to give it more time.
Nothing about the new school had felt really right, but I had convinced myself that my ‘issues’ were clouding my judgement (and they were for a time). Convinced myself it was just the culture shock from what we had known before.
I have a good friend who sometimes asks the question ‘what would you love to happen?’.
After one day at that new school (which seemed to have lovely teachers and a great vibe) William was very clear about what he would love. And that was to return to his old Steiner school.
We had made it clear that we wouldn’t continue homeschooling: I need to focus on paid work and we couldn’t shake the feeling of not being able to provide enough, or facilitate enough to meet William’s academic needs. But the Steiner school felt out of the question too due to financial constraints.
That night I asked myself: What would you love to happen? The answer was instant, unequivocal. For William to go to a school where he feels respected and happy.
I accepted the answer, and I let it go. I let it float up to God in a red balloon in my mind.
And then I moved out of the way.
Through a series of small miracles William is now attending his old school again. On his first day back he received a rock star welcome as his friends rushed around him, clapping him on the back and whooping with joy to see him. I had tears again, but for a different reason. I couldn’t deny the feeling that he was home.
It hasn’t been completely easy: after eight months at home, following his own routine and interests, it has indeed been a culture shock to be getting up early again. And there is some kind of why do I have to go to school at all? attitude going on.
I feel confident these niggles will fade out over time. Something has been put right with our little part of the universe: it is so easy having all the children at the same school. It supports our family life and our values. Our ten year old, who had struggled at school himself since William left, is happier again. The girls feel protected in a way, knowing their two brothers are close by.
Sol and I both agree that we all had to ‘go there’ and face that potential pathway. William, Sol, and I have all learnt valuable lessons from this time. Sol and I have had the chance to let go of some baggage we didn’t need to carry anymore. And we have all found some new appreciation for all we do have, for our community and for those that support us.