Opening up to Free

October 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

Things have been changing.

To observers it may not be apparent; we haven’t moved house and I haven’t begun a new job (though I have left one). I’m not pregnant, no one else has left school. We haven’t made any big impulsive decisions.

But things are shifting on the inside, in a deep, deep way.

I write about it as though it is hugely significant – because it is. When I look back over this year, and even back to last year and the year before, I can see how I was really stuck in some fear.

It was not exactly a choice to begin observing myself, begin being real, begin taking full responsibility, begin radically loving myself. Aspects of life had become very difficult and stressful. Relationships had begun breaking down. Children can always be counted on to be good reflectors of our unresolved issues. And mine have been no exception lately.

Most of all I had lost confidence in myself. I had to hit rock bottom to be willing to find a new way to think about myself, my relationships and my life.

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I’ve done a personal development course. It’s given me tools to think about things in a more compassionate way. It has given me permission to be where I am, to accept that shift takes as long as it takes.

And suddenly, instead of running away from problems or turning my back to them, I am ready to turn and face them.

I lost faith for a while. But like a tiny, vulnerable seedling, I am nurturing it back to life.

It is challenging. I still have many days where I want to hide away from the world, and not even check emails. But sometimes, peeping through, like that burst of sunshine from behind a cloud, my inner radiance lights up my life.

I see the joy in living.

And I am chasing more of that.

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