August 7, 2013 § Leave a comment
I’ve been a bit quiet on this blog as Robin as been in hospital again. His response to any virus or bug seems to be severe breathing difficulties, requiring lots of oxygen support and time.
For me, this time in hospital was the culmination, and the resolution of many factors.
Culmination: feeling stressed lately. So stressed that I was washing for a break. Of course now the guilt hits that little Robin had to experience the manifestation of my inability to organise some respite for myself.
Culmination: I have been waiting for this all Winter. Waiting for his first proper illness since whooping cough, waiting to see how bad it would get.
Culmination: Robin has been seeing a Speech Pathologist. It was extremely interesting to hear her thoughts about how he is not chewing or using his tongue properly as he eats. About how his walking, talking and eating are closely linked and that it is time to give him a definite nudge to develop in those areas. A reduction of breastfeeding was discussed, to encourage him to eat more solids and thereby learn to eat faster. I began this process, just a little, and promptly got mastitis a day before Robin became ill.
Resolution: there are so many strong emotions linked to the Children’s Hospital. After our first night in emergency having tests, Sol arrived and I took a break with two lovely friends who showed up in support. As I said goodbye and walked back through the emergency doors, the dread hit me like a punch in the stomach. That feeling was all too familiar to me: the not knowing of what had happened with Robin while I had been away, of not knowing what was to come.
I did it differently this time: I asked for help. I asked for support, and I received. It made all the difference.
I had my meltdown moment of saying I am not strong enough for this. I can’t do it this time. Thank God for friends who reply Yes, you can. Yes, you will, because it is your child. Those two friends have my undying loyalty for showing up at such a time.
Resolution: after that, well, it wasn’t so bad. Robin stabilised and we moved to a ward. I did some re thinking of my attitudes towards the nurses after some bad experiences last year. This time we had lovely nurses, mostly male. They were so sensitive and accommodating, so supportive of breastfeeding. Maybe it was because Robin was older, maybe because he didn’t have such a life threatening illness this time, or maybe that Sol could take a lot more of the ‘hospital time’, but the overall experience was as positive as such a thing can be.
I felt that some of the fear and pain from Robin’s illness last year was healed. And I am not so afraid going forward now.