Hard to Surrender
February 22, 2013 § Leave a comment
When you are expecting a baby, and especially if it is not your first baby, you know how life will be once the baby comes. It will be slow, and simple, but not always easy. You know that getting a shower alone will be an achievement. You know that getting the basics done is probably all you can expect.
But you also know that this phase does not last forever. You know that all too soon the baby will be crawling and eating, taking their first steps away from you, and that as this happens your own life will open up a little again. I think that is what makes it bearable in those early months of living a small life. That and the fact that you are completely in love with your baby!
In my family, little Robin is almost one year old. In my last post I wrote of not rushing him, not pushing him away, or to grow up. It is as though he has taken me at my word, because in the past week, life has slowed way down.
Way, way down.
I’ve had a few nights with tears. Trying to explain to an empathetic husband what it is… like still being in that newborn stage with Robin, except that it has been almost a year now. The deep frustration – of not being able to eat slow, or without a crying baby as background noise. Of not being able to do anything, anything, except to watch TV or go to bed after about 8.30pm at night. The trapped feelings…. knowing I can’t be away from him for more than two or three hours, knowing I can’t even put him down for a minute without him crying. And not just crying…. the hyperventilating, not breathing, totally devastated crying!
When we first came home from the hospital after Robin’s illness (the first time), somehow I thought that because we were out of hospital it was over. The reality hit very quickly… leaving hospital was just the beginning, and being home again was harder in many ways. There are no nurses backing you up at home, and Grandma has moved back to her place. Suddenly I was being Mum to all the kids and doing the school run again, but also nursing my ill baby back to health. It took a little while, and a second stay in hospital, to realise that life probably would not be ‘normal’ for the rest of 2012. Once I recognised that, I lowered my expectations, and dropped commitments accordingly. That helped.
This year, I thought life could resume… I thought my life could resume. A life of doing Playgroup, craft workshops, craft to sell, being involved at the school and possibly some study. But life is just not working out that way. This past week has been sending me a message: maybe life is not meant to be that way for me anymore.
Most things have been let go of. My commitments now consist of activities I can do at home, in my own time, around the baby. That helps. I’m trying not to lose myself now that my life is stripped back.
My Birthday is on Sunday…. usually a time of reflection and goal setting for me. But it feels like my expectations, desires and goals have no place in my life right now. Surrendering to that reality feels impossible.
Robin wakes up. Smiles, reaches for me. Looks into my eyes. He loves me, adores me… I can see that so clearly. In the brief moments of surrender and peace I achieve, we are one.