A Stitch in my Heart

December 19, 2012 § Leave a comment

open day 12 001

A good friend visited me recently, to be an ear for my grief and provide suggestions for healing. One of her ideas was to make a heart, and to cut it to how I felt  Then, to stitch it together again, one stitch a day. When the heart is complete, I am complete, the griefs of this year healed.

I’ve cut the heart, I’ve made one stitch. I’ve begun the healing…. but it has stayed this way for a while now. I’ve noticed that somewhere deep inside is some resistance to being whole and healed, to moving on with life.

Who would I be without the grief of Robin’s illness, the grief of feeling I was absent for Zara’s babyhood, the grief for the baby who died?

I don’t know, and I am scared, but I want to put down the burden.

I’m willing to heal, that is enough for now.

When my first child was still a baby, I used to think a lot about the kind of mother I would be, the kind of family I wanted to create. I would try to imagine my boy as a teenager, and it seemed so far into the future and so removed from my reality that it scared me a little.  All I knew was that I wanted to stay connected  to my children, throughout their teenage turbulence and beyond.

Now he is a teenager, and just last week graduated from his primary years at school. At the ceremony, photos were shown from class 1 (age 6) up till now (age 13). They reminded me of those yearnings I used to have. I felt so much joy watching my boy standing on stage, and a profound sense of achievement that we made it this far… to this point, this age that used to frighten me with it’s bad reputation.

Since he has been born, we’ve moved house more than ten times, we’ve homeschooled and moved states and lived in a tent. He began at this school, and then returned. He thinks I am a hippy and is determined to be anything but that. He seems to know who he is very strongly; he can be very strong, or stubborn. But he loves to tell me about his interests, for me to watch his trampoline tricks. We love to watch movies together, to play cards.

I often feel I am stumbling about in the dark, as a mother of a teenager. I tell him we will make all our parenting mistakes with him, being the eldest. But seeing him complete a 3-week trip to NZ with his class, and seeing him confident and happy with his peers… it gives me hope, a glimpse of the bigger picture where children turn into young adults who are capable and happy. (Did I have anything to do with that? It just seems to have happened!).

I feel so much love  for him this week- so much so that sick or absent babies are forgotten, and there is a knowing that mistakes can be put right. And that I can heal.

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