Laying Down New Memories….

December 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

This past week has thrown up many moments that take me back to when Robin was in hospital….

Driving, and a song comes on. A song that was played many times a day when Robin was in hospital. A song I used to hear almost every time I was driving to, or from hospital. A song that I would cry to, or sing to as a way to be not in the reality of a sick baby.

Having a bath, and Zara hops in. Zara, who was only two when Robin was sick, and who missed me terribly. I would come home for a few hours every second day and have a bath – for myself, to wash off the hospital, and for Zara. I could pour so much love and care into her in the bath – brushing her hair and cuddling skin to skin.

Sorting clothes and I come across the suit Robin wore when he first got sick. A suit he ended up wearing for two weeks straight because we couldn’t change his clothes. He had a drip attached to his hand, swaddled with bandages and a splint, with his little thumb sticking out. Four other probes covered his chest and foot, all attached to an incessantly beeping machine. It meant we were limited to a two metre square area with him, for a month.

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I often wonder if I am too sensitive, that these innocent things bring on such a rush of grief within me. The thing about hospital is not so much the lack of freedom, awful food, or pot-luck of nurses, though those things are hard. It is the feelings that were there. The absolute terror I felt within myself, constantly, for days. The constant adrenaline rushes. The responsibility of being Robin’s advocate as well as his mother, hurting because he hurt and still so much a part of me.

I know I was the strong one, but I so often felt like the weak one.

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